If God had intended us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

A photographer goes to a dinner party. The host says, “I love your photos, you must have a fantastic camera”. He replies, “Why thank you. You know, your food is amazing too, where did you get that oven?”

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris can reference Null pointers
When Chuck Norris issues an invalid command the computer does it anyway
Chuck Norris can address an infinite amount of memory, twice!
Chuck Norris will never run out of Handles
Chuck Norris can sort a list in O(1)
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to be Authenticated, he just does what he wants.
Chuck Norris’s ZX Spectrum runs at 1000GHz
Chuck Norris can’t be cached
If Chuck Norris looks at Spam, the spammer dies!
Chuck Norris doesn’t need a Load-Balancer, he can handle anything.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

One kid in my class raised his hand and asked the professor if it was possible for a human to get run over by a glacier

For some reason God had not intended for people to eat animals. Peter goes down to Earth to check up on humans. He returns and says to God, “God, all is good but those people are doing something horrible… they are eating all those animals we left on Earth with them!”

“Bother,” said the Borg, “we just assimilated Pooh.”

You are not expected to understand this — comment from the Sixth Edition Unix

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor’s office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?”
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 – 10 – 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counsellor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”. The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

A woman in her 40′s went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Knob” where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted “The Knob”. Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
“All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.” She sighed and said, “Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee…”

A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
He turns to her and says, “What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating,” says the woman.
“What a coincidence,” says the man.
They clink glasses and he asks, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”
“What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile.”
“That’s great,” says the woman. “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I switched cocks,” he replies.
“What a coincidence” she said.

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The Fairy Godmother replied: “Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. “I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.” Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.
Cinderella said “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!” The Fairy Godmother replied “It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?” Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: “I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.”
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: “You have one more wish, what shall you have?”
Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. “I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.” Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother said: “Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.” With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, “I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don’t you?”

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.
As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.”
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…. ”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“Shit” said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

In the beginning…
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman… Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

As you know St.Peter guards the gates of heaven. One day he needed to pee,as you do,so he asked Jesus to guard the gates for a while,and Jesus being a very kind and willing man said he would. After a while a man appeared and started to walk towards Jesus. When the man got to the gates Jesus thought he looked very familiar. He was on ald man with a beard. Jesus asked-”I don’t mean to be nosey sir,but did you have any children?” The man replies-”Yes,one son,but he died,he had nails put through him.” “And what did you work as?” “I was a carpenter” Jesus says-”Father?” The man says-”Pinnochio?”.

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”
The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately.”

A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use the tape.

When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: “I apologize” and “You are right.”

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Anagrams…
* Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
* Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil’s Agent
* Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
* The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
* Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in ‘em
* Animosity; When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
* Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
* Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z’s
* A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I’m a Dot in Place
* The Earthquake: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
* Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
* Desserts: When you read backward is: Stressed

“The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
“He who laughs last thinks slowest.”"
“Eagles may soar but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
“Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.”
“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
“Hello?”
“Honey, It’s me. Are you at the club?”
“Yes.”
“Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat… It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Only $1,500.00″
“Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much…”
“Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”
“What price did he quote you?”
“Only $60,000…”
“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
“Great! Before we hang up, something else…”
“What?”
“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $450,000… a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
“Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
“OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
“Bye… I do too…”
The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

“My penis is so big that if I laid it out on the keyboard it would go from A to Z”

Adage: Valentine’s Day is the day when those without a girlfriend wish they had one; and those with a girlfriend wish they didn’t.